Since that first meeting

Let me back up a minute here.  I want every body to know I setup this site with one thing in mind.  I wanted to have a place to write that every can read what I have experienced without censorship.  What you will find here is the side of XZanthia she is embarrassed about and will do everything to hide, while hurting people.

11/1/04  - My first meeting

On this evening so long ago I met XZanthia.  I had met a couple of girls through a dating service.  Then this evening was going to change my life forever.  This was my first meeting with XZanthia.  She was 25 at the time and claimed to be a rock star.  All the girls I met there all had a line but hers was intriguing.  The time went fast and we starting talking.  I felt a need to help her.  I asked her right then if I could have an arrangement with her.

By the time we met again, I was very interested in learning more about her.  We would spend hours talking and at least a couple of weekends a month togeather.  It was a good arrangement then.  What I did not know was she was a expert at using people.  I was going to be the next victim of her.  Later on I found out that, she was just trying to find a new financial support man, since Paul was taken by Melissa.

It turns out now that she has under the support of a much older male since she was 18.

Sept. 15, 2007 - Birth of Nitro-Xman

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I started the photography web name and site under the name Nitro-Xman.  This is where I wanted to publically show the work I was doing with XZanthia.  This is a collection of pictures and images that I took since starting back up my photography.  Please take a look.

XZanthia posts a very depressed entry on her myspace blog.  For fear of it being lost, I have copied it into here. 

Broken People

     Do you ever feel like a totally broken person? Like you have to envelop yourself in professional relationships as to not have any genuine human experiences for the trepidation of the repercussion that could occur? I am not a pessimist, however I am broken. I have been broken, I continue to break. I am aware that less then more the reactions are that of absolute negativity. However, the bad ones are the loudest and may even create space between the good ones in their blast. My main apprehension is not of being hurt myself, but hurting others, and therefore creating a vengeful heart. So I digress. It's not that I don't get hurt, I do, but I heal fast, or I convince myself that I do. Hard to know the true reality, even in ones head.

     Since my last love, I have made excuses for every sexual interest to not act, till late. That was 2 years ago. For two years, I have hid. Sharing myself with one friend, who has for years been without conflict. He still is without conflict. However sometimes I would like more comfort. But fear of the unknown rebuilds my wall, each time stronger then previous. Each time it becomes easier to say "no".

     As my carnal desire gets replaced with independence and career. I feel happy with this, or do I? Do I convince myself that this is the way I am suppose to live. Alone. We are a pack animal; I can not deny our true nature. But what good is the pack if they steel your food while you sleep? I get pursued constantly; it just makes me wish to hide further. Where did all the gentlemen go? And when I do pick one, will all my male suitors staging as friends simply fall by the way side? For those whom I am there muse, will they cease to create? I feel a lot of responsibility for a number of my friends. I manifest my reality every moment; I am immensely pleased with my path of life. I am truly happy with who I am and where my life is going. If I could lie, or was not so open, even to thousands of strangers on the internet, life would be easier. Any secrets I have, burn a hole in my soul.

     I am human, I do have human response. My reasoning for placing such things here in my blog is for one, to hear my self say it as well as to get it out to anyone who cares enough to read and respond. I don't stay down for long, so by the time I post this, I may not want to read the responses, for fear of being brought down again..

     Several actions brought these thoughts to the surface. None of which I will list here. The vast array of reasons are circler.  The trigger is my take on them.

     Well it's back to work so that I don't have any real human interactions. LOL. Soon the reality show Man is coming in to start the interview. I am not one for reality shows. I actually don't like them at all. It is going to be interesting to see what demons of mine they pull out for the public interest. This is one small reason for the flow of emotion in the above statements. It seems here as I look at my entries I have 2 sides, a scientific/spiritual side and a bitchen about people side. LOL.. Well I guess I got to work on that. I suppose that they are the best muses. When I am happy, I am to busy being happy to write, so these feelings are not listed here. When I am learning, I want to share, when I am depressed, I reach out blindly for a shoulder to cry on. Then I regather myself to work again. I'm not depressed, just frustrated at times.. Now is one of those times.. Head up, smile on, time to perform for my public. Wow.. that says a lot.. lol..

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These words are from a horribly confused and mistreated female.  I understand this from years of training.  It kills me that I am not allowed to help.  To those who really care, there are many free support clinic and resources for these feelings and the depression.

Since 2004, I have been told the entire life story several times from her.  Even though there has been many conflicts in the story, the basic story contains all the elements of the hurt inner child.  95% of males do not have the empathy for these feelings.  Also unless a female has the same hurt inner child from their mistreating, they may have empathy but will not fully understand.

I believe that this could be a turning point in her life to understand what has happened in the past.  Also seeing that she is not alone, but 1 in 3 females have very much the same experiences from the hurt.  This posting is a calling out for help, which can only be given by a professional,  Not myself.  I can and will facilitate it when she asks for it and will accept my help.

I will be posting many professional documents and studies to help XZanthia and all other females faced with the same. 

That's it for now.  I am always available to help with these issues.

Single Again.

     Well we made it 2 months to the day. This is by far the shortest relationship that I have ever been in by far. I ended it with James late last night after he has slowly been cutting me out of his life over the last few weeks. I do not think he was doing it to be mean, or that he did not care about me. He simply has to much on his plate, and I was being pushed off. As of 3 days ago I was cut down to 2 nights a week after work and one weekend in the next 2 months where we planned to go to Georgia. His father wanted to spend some quality time with him that weekend. His father has not asked to do that in some time, so James really wanted to spend that time with him. He asked me if we could move the date that we where going to the Hostel in the forest in Georgia. The only other weekend that I had open was the next weekend, first weekend in August. James had his art show that weekend in Ybor.

     I am very happy that he is so goal oriented and focused. I love that he has other things to keep his mind occupied other then me. I do not mind that he needed to hang out with me less to focus on his art, career and job. I understand being driven, I think better then most. However I am looking for someone to spend my life with. I did not think that one weekend a month was t0o much to ask. But I guess it was.

     It hurts so much, but I thought to end it sooner, rather then prolong this and continue being alone in a relationship. I want to find someone that I want to spend my life with. I am soooo verrrrry picky. I thought I found what I wanted in James. However he did not have the time to invest in a real relationship. He was sooo close to what I was looking for. I am getting closer. I hate dating and sex without love. I suppose I am a all or nothing kind of girl. I am totally okay with being alone. I am fine without a lover. My work keeps me so busy, I really don't have time for much else. But I can and will make time to build experiences with the one I am hoping to spend my life with.

     James was not at all a bad boyfriend, just at the beginning, it was different. Way to intense, and I guess it died out fast. I know what I want, and I will not settle for less. I am so happy that I found him and he made me feel feelings that I have not felt in 2 years. It is going to take some time to heal, as all brake-ups do. He has inspired me to do art again. I was always hoping to do it with him, but he likes to work alone. I can't believe that I actually found a man who is more work obsessed then I, and I fell for him.

     O well, Back to work….

A bad Dream I had Last Night -

So all morning I had been laying in bed, thinking about writing this dream. Trying to figure out what the dream was about, although, I know. Strange how the subconscious works.

I somehow obtained this big white pig, it was so cute and sweet, clean and well mannered. I believe I could communicate with it, be it with words or by mind, I can not recall. I was very close to it emotionally. It slept with me in my bed and we would snuggle.

Then I was having X Bash at my resort and I could not find my pig anywhere. I searched the property and found the butchered remains in a camp sight by there fire. There where no campers to take blame and no one around would say who was responsible. I broke down there fire side next to the massacred remains of my friend. It was more like finding the remains of a close friend, rather then a pet. I then became enraged with sorrow and went to the bungalow where several of my friends where staying that where helping me with the event. I told them what happened and asked if they heard anything. I laid in the arms of my friend Angel for a short moment for comfort. My friend Ed tried to comfort me but I was to upset to stay still, I broke out of Angels arms and retreated.

It was becoming morning, the sun was rising slowly to the east, I could feel the wet dew and tears upon my face. My heart was in my stomach and a ball in my thought, more pain I could understand.

Everyone was looking at me and being cold towards my emotions, as I did not have this animal very long before its untimely demise. I was more crushed then I should have been, more hurt by confusion then I could pinpoint.

My friend Steve was doing sound at my event. He was trying to comfort me, and in a way I wanted it, however it seemed as things kept keeping him from doing so. I felt so alone.

So I awoke with this strange feeling, and I told my friend about the dream as I was making breakfast. He said, well lets see what that means, you are afraid of loosing someone close to you. He went more in depth, however I understood before I told him.

The pig is reprehensive of James or love, not that he is a pig, a pig is great, people gave them a bad name. He is something great that I had for a short time. I feel silly writing this, however I always write my dreams that I recall here. He and I are still seeing each other and we are still friends, and yes, I am still afraid of loosing him, his life is to complex to include me, I understand and except this. but I hold on. I am looking elsewhere, however my attention is still on him.

Dreams say a lot about the subconscious at times, I have many strange dreams that I write here that never make any sense, lol, but this one smacked me in the face. Be it if it is my loosing "James" as a person or what he represents and being alone. I am very happy with him as a friend and occasional lover, however I feel as it is more of what he represents to me. "love, happiness, future". I suppose I feel that, that is dead. Not that there is no hope, there is, I'm just being dramatic.

Nothing to do with him, just he is the one that is in my life at the moment, this is a personal struggle between being picky as hell and not wanting to settle for less, and truly wanting to find someone to share my life with.

I know that I will, I just kind of have lost puppy syndrome at the moment. My mentality was totally different till a few months ago. I've never been one for dating or sleeping around. But I do have needs and do get lonely, so I burry myself in work. However long I can't deny it, we are not a solitaire animal. This dream revealed some so very undeniable personal pain in my heart, I almost don't want to post it, however I have never been one to hide from a slap in the face, I will ignore the pinches.

Shortly before I ended it with James, I tried to speak to both my parents about my feelings and what they think I should do. My father, a 63 year old bachelor, that never was married, has never been in a relationship for over 3 years, and was never monogamous told me obviously, he never figured it out. I follow a pattern closer to my fathers love life my mothers, my father remains friends with all his x lovers, even occasionally still being romantic with them. I have that same pattern. My mother has been married 3 times and is very bitter towards men, she believes that man are liars and cheaters, yes they can be, if you don't communicate with them. If your stubborn and wont put yourself in there shoes then you will never understand. So both my parents are single independent people. my mother is in a relationship, but she is single, she sleeps alone, is not intimate and I am guessing he is more of a space filler then a true love. I know she would leave him at the drop of a hat even though they have been together for 7 years. Strange how many couples stay together for years without even knowing each other?

You know its bizarre, but I have millions of people on MySpace, so many people I cant even get to my messages, as well as many other profiles, my phone rings and texts off the hook, I know people all around the world, I never am truly alone, however I never feel like I have had a best friend, I know I have been in love several times. I love several chosen friends, and once I do, I never stop. I have been totally honest, open and sincere, however there seems to forever be that wall, I suppose that we all have it. I guess it must come from never truly being close to either of my parents, and trying forever to be accepted by my family and being denied. I feel alone. I always have, anyone that knows me, knows that I am truly withdrawn. But that's how I get so much completed. I push human emotions way back, but I am honest about it, I do not deny that they exist. I am not a lier, I just choose to ignore them till something worth while comes my way. And I will not dabble in anything even for a moment unless I believe, mind, body and soul that it is worthwhile. I just don't have the time or interest. I'd rather go it alone. I am comfortable being alone. I said I feel alone, not lonely.

I might have a wall, but everything that you may ever want to know about me is spray painted on it for all the public to see, its up to you to read it.

Ya so this dream got me thinking and off on one of my literal rampages, but I feel better now, I'm goen hiking! Yeay! One great thing about being me, is my mind runs to fast and has to much going on to stay in one emotion for very long. I never stay mad, I don't hold grudges and I'm truly pleased with the many gifts of life, the ups and the downs.